Happy anniversary

 Hello world.    I’m writing again. 

I’m sad. But I don’t know how to express it into words anymore. All I know my tears keep dropping. My eyes wet, my heart dry from depression. I dont find life exciting anymore. I lost interest in everything. My smile, fake. My laugh, bland. My heart, empty. 

One year into this second marriage. I am becoming not myself even more. Even on my anniversary day today, I am alone. Fighting negative thoughts on my own. Crying my eyes to bleed. The tears just wont stop. 

Am i not grateful? Why am I not feeling peace? What is wrong with myself - Same questions i keep asking myself over and over again. 

What’s wrong with my marriage you may ask. Nothing is wrong. My husband is caring, takes care of me and the kids, he throws lovebomb sometimes and he does most of the house chores - cleaning, laundry. 

Only he did something last April that I can’t forget, i cant seem to trust him fully yet and i feel so betrayed that my insecurities keep building up on me. Even until now I can’t find peace. 

Isn’t marriage supposed to make you feel at ease, peaceful within? 

What’s a marriage without trust? 

Why does this feel like a torture to me? 

Do I need to ignore this feelings and just carry on with my life faking everything? 

I can’t sleep for a few days in a row now.

I wish i would just sleep and never wake up anymore. 

Happy 1st anniversary.